Sunday, April 1, 2012

My Tears are Like Rain

Hi, I'm having a sad, sad day.

Oh, I recovered from my cold/fever thing. In fact yesterday I went on a road trip with strangers from the internet. It was chaotic, but there were some good points to the day. Then I thought of my lack of good faithful, constant friends.

Today was Palm Sunday as you know. It triggered a memory of my friend who died one and half years ago. My friend whom I shared adventures with, giggles with, and sad times with.  When my own mother died, my friend called me long distance, and we both cried on the phone together. Two years ago, she was in the hospital as the dying process begin. After Palm Sunday Mass, I went to the hospital and took her a palm. Her husband was there too, and we had a good visit.

Today I could not take her a Palm because she's dead. I couldn't take her a Palm last year either. I thought of my friendship with her. I thought of spending the day with strangers yesterday. Seemed nice enough, but they aren't friends. After Mass I got in the car and cried like a small child.

I thought of friends who are too busy for me due to their own marriages, their own children, their jobs, or whatever. I'm sad.

I settled on the couch and started reading book. I thought it was fiction. No, it's non-fiction. It's about two couples who had loving marriages then a husband dies. Then the wife of the other couple dies. More death. So I'm crying. You can guess how the book ends. The widowed spouses (who are in their forties) find each other. They marry and experience great love. They get a second chance. I don't even get a first chance.

I want to write a note to my deceased friend's parents. I can't find their address or their email address. My  friend and her husband had a joint email account. Is that email account still active? I emailed him asking for his in-laws' address. I thought about calling, but I am crying.

I just can't get it together today. Oh well. Now, I have a headache.

I'm sure there's a psalm that resonates with me today. And Jesus was betrayed and abandoned too. Sometimes it just stinks being human needing other humans.


4evergapeach said...

Hi Lena, I was just surfing Catholic blogs and came across yours. I can SO feel for you! I moved out of state almost 10 years ago and never realized how much I would miss my family and friends. I have yet to make any "good" friends here. There are some, but none that share my faith and that is the most important part of my life. It seems everyone uses colorful language (to be polite) and I guess I am just old fashioned. They tease me at work when I say "fiddlesticks" Someone will shout "Pat used the 'f' word!" God has recently heard my prayers though. I recently went to a singles retreat in my area. I am 6 yrs divorced. I really would like to meet that someone special. Someone I can share my faith with. Where better than a Catholic singles retreat, right? I came away with so much more than I ever could have hoped for! I learned that I don't have to be in a relationship to be important or belong. I learned I belong to my community, family, God most of all. And in the end I joined their team and feel a sense of belonging with them. Friends that share what I value. I don't live in the same town as any of them but they are not extremely far away. They are all kinda scattered. But we meet once a month and more often if some of us choose to. I am blessed. Prayer is so powerful. He will answer. I will keep you in my prayers that you find that 'belonging' that we all need. God bless!

All in His Perfect Timing said...

Is the book about Michael and Gina Spehn? I forget the title. I'm reading it now too. At least ifmim correct in what you read.
It's hard to be alone. I think being alone is worse than infertility. At least with infertility, there is a husband for company.
Know that I'm praying for you!

Lena said...

Yes, that is the book! I think it's called The Color of Rain.

Thanks for your prayers and comment especially with your new baby.